i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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