just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
