Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
