I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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