Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
