I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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