i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize