alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
