someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Congratulations! We have a period
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
