I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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