Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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