You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
