It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
