apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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