apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Randomize
