Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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