I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
