apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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