She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
