either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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