Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize