More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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