Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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