i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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