You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
