Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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