Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
