When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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