Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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