Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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