I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
