I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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