It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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