Rock
Scissors
Fuck
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
