brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i dont even know how to be here
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
