I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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