i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
