Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
