Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
