none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
