remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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