Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
