I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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