I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
