What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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