You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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