Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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