Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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