The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
