Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize