saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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