8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
3 2 1 whiskey
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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