It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
