I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He felt like a one man threesome
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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