MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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