Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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