There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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