Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
