i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
